About that 4th baby...

When Brian and I got married, we had conversations about how many kids we'd like to have, of course. On that side of parenthood, you never know how things are going to go. So I remember that we said, "Ideally, we'd like at least two, probably three, but not knowing how parenthood will really go, we'll take it one at a time." But in the back of my head, I have always had the number four sitting there. Just sitting there in my mind, as some sort of pipe dream.

Partially I think it all stemmed from being around several families with four or more kids, and just loving the pace of their households. My closest friends in high school, college, and post college came from families of four or more (I'm looking at YOU: Cindy [4], Maureen [4], Cathy [6], Kristen [4], and Susan [5].) These were the women in my wedding, plus my sister. These were my girls, and I spent lots of good quality time in their homes with their parents and their siblings, and I loved the buzz of activity that big family provides. And their families were always so welcoming to me, they felt like secondary homes in some ways. This is NOT to express dissatisfaction with my own family - I love my family, of course. But after having one sister who is 8 years my junior, the busy feeling in those households seemed fun to me.

But then I had Katy. And it rocked my world. And I pushed the idea of 4 way back in my mind. I thought: well I at least want to have one sibling for this child, but after that, we'll see.

David was easier, and I loved having two. When he turned 18 months things were feeling manageable again. Brian and I decided we'd love to have another, and God gave us Luke.

And I can tell you that everyday since Luke was born, I have wrestled with whether or not we are done. I am so incredibly blessed, and my plate is full with these incredible children that we've been given. In addition to that, I had physical complications immediately following Luke's delivery, and then long term issues after that. It was scary, and I felt pretty confident that I needed to be done. I didn't want to do that again, and I didn't want to make things worse.

But that desire and aching in my heart wouldn't leave me alone.

When Luke was about a year old, I had a surgical consult related to my issues. I asked the surgeon, based on everything, if having another baby was too risky for me or would make matters worse (I couldn't have the surgery unless I was done having kids). He said, "Not at all. If you want another baby, you should have another baby." I sat on the exam table and bawled my eyes out.

We still thought and prayed about it a lot. I felt nervous. I kept coming up with reasons that I wasn't ready yet. But that thought and desire still kept nagging both of us. Brian and I felt the same way about it. And then one day I realized that the only thing keeping me from saying yes was fear. I have let fear rule a lot of decisions in my life, but I know that fear is not from God. He doesn't direct our course by using fear. And I didn't want to get to my later years in life and regret that I had let fear keep me from having a baby that I wanted.

So if you are still wondering what we've decided, then you haven't seen me lately, because you GUYS, check this out:

13 wks pg with number FOUR. (Bonus feature: new dishwasher! Have I mentioned we've been washing dishes by hand for 2 months?)

I'm nervous. But just as excited. Here comes Chaos: Party of SIX.